Are we almost done?

We might just be, so why do I feel so much anxiety about it? Shouldn't I be excited, exhuberant that we are almost done?

I guess lack of sleep and the unknown really are my enemies. The last couple of nights have been hard on Lukas and in turn hard on me. Last night being the worst. He was so anxious and didn't want to be put down in his crib. I would rock him and he would be dead asleep and as soon as his head hit the pillow in his crib he was awake and screaming and clawing to get back in my arms. I know what you are thinking, just a spoiled baby and doesn't like to be put down since he's been held more than not these last 4 months.....

No, that wasn't it. It was like he was terrified of laying in that bed. I just can't even begin to put myself in his position. Can't see so he doesn't know when someone is coming in to poke or prod him... Too many times he's gone to sleep only to wake up with a new scar or more tubes coming out of his body... And even more often than that, he's has countless needle and dressing changes, while he is awake. He continues to amaze me at how well he handles all of this, but last night it was like he was just giving up and dind't want to fight anymore. He just wanted to be held, just wanted to be close to me and didn't want me to let him go. It made my heart hurt so bad to see him that anxious and worn out and scared. I'm supposed to be able to make him feel better but last night I just couldn't.

After hours and hours of rocking him and trying to get him to sleep in his crib, I couldn't keep my eyes open, so Laura came in and took over. She came in on her first shift of the week and told the managers she was going to be Lukas' nurse! We are so lucky to have such great and super loving nurses that love Lukas like he was their own. And I'm blessed that when I can't help him they are there to fill in the gap and help him their way.

I absolutely love our nurses and care partners, all the doctors and even the nutrition staff that know exactly what Lukas likes to eat and can just send meals up without having to ask what to make him. That's quality care. Actually above and beyond quality care. That's just pure love for Lukas to care that much for him.

And not to leave out Theron, he makes Lukas' face light up when he comes in the room. Theron came in today as Amy was unhooking the line so I had to hold Lukas arms down. Of course he was fussing and Theron came in, first thing said "Hi bubba!!! Oh, it's ok bubba, don't cry, it's ok. You're ok bubba." He's two and yet he's so understanding and loving in such a mature way. He amazes me too.