And the bomb has dropped.....

After 3 months of all the doctors and surgeons stressing that surgery was (emphasis added) THE LAST OPTION, Lukas now has his surgery scheduled for Friday at noon. Kind of scary when the tumor is a milimeter bigger. To me, it doesn't matter that it's such a small amout, the fact that it's any bigger is horrible! 4 heavy rounds of chemo and 13 very high doses of radiation later and the tumor is bigger.....

So Friday if Kurt and I really feel comfortable (enough) to sign the consents, Lukas will be take back and the Neurosurgeon will go in through the top of his head, down into the frontal lobe and reach the tumor and then the Ear/Nose/Throat-Base of the Skull Surgeon (Very much a specialist) will cut a hole beside his nose and go in through the bone and sinuses to get to the tumor that way and then both will have to work to cut as much of the tumor out as possible. All while staying away from the optic nerves and the two corroted arteries and all of the other very delicate things in the way....

I really must have done something right for Heavenly Father to trust me to make this decision... I have NO IDEA what it could have been.... I don't feel qualified or even worthy to make this decision. Kurt hasn't said much about it. I can't imagine what is going through his head right now.

I guess this right here is the best explanation for why I got married in the temple. There is a very real and very possible chance that Lukas could not make it out of the surgery alive.

I keep saying "I", Kurt and I had to come to terms when Lukas was diagnosed with the very high possibility that if the cancer didn't kill Lukas, the treatments could. We had to be ok with that, we had to accept that possibility. Then we were told his chances were great! Treatments were easy, survival was very high, Lukas would get done with 6 easy rounds of chemo and go home and never look back. Now we are back to having to (and now in less than 48 hours) come to terms with the very grim possibilities this highly aggressive and invasive surgery holds for our baby.

I feel like....well, I really don't know what I feel like. I feel like I'm going to choke on this lump in my throat. I might even black out from the loud ringing in my ears. My eyes are burning as I try and hold back tears. I can't stop this constant trembling of my entire body. My brain is on the highest level of overload and I wouldn't be suprised to see smoke coming out of my ears. (I say that as honestly and seriously as possible)

This just isn't good.