Saturday, February 23, 2008

More Tears

They always seem to come when I'm left alone to my thoughts. My thoughts are easy to push away when I'm busy taking care of the boys or out and about, they are even easy to push away each time we go to the clinic or hospital. I'm busy doing something then. It's when I'm done with my responsibilities and I can't find anything to watch on TV or when I'm desperatly trying to fall asleep at night before the ringing in my ears from the days activities dies down and all I hear is silence. That's when my thoughts haunt me. That's when I realize how bad this all really can be. That's when the hope and all the good statistics seem to leave me and I can't help but face the fact that cancer can kill my baby, his treatments can kill my baby. He is a fighter, but I'm not. Each day gets harder to face. Each change in treatments means more unknowns to me. I'm not a fan of our hurry up and wait lifestyle we have been thrown into. And when Theron, only being two, seems to understand how bad off Lukas really is, I can't hold back the tears. He loves Lukas so much. He wants to be with him all day and rock him and kiss his owies all better and help give him medicines. Hearing Theron say "bubba is sick, bubba has cancer" are the hardest words to hear.

I don't like being left alone with my thoughts.



2 comments:

Amber Larsen said...

So sorry Heather. You are such a good mom and a strong person; keep your chin up. We love you and are praying for you.

Amber Larsen said...

oh sorry i saw it wasn't on there so i thought i messed up... it says it has to be approved. ha.