I was thinking last night that out of all the times we could have been dealing with our baby having cancer, I'm glad that we are going through this during the holiday season. I've always loved the holidays. They are so special to me. I love having extra time with our friends and family. I love the reasons behind the holidays. I don't like the commercial spin that's been put on Christmas... BUY BUY BUY!!... though. To me Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been a time to really reflect on the things Heavenly Father has blessed us with and to think about the great atoning sacrifice Jesus made for us. That's why I'm glad that, since we are having to go through all of this, we are doing it at this time.
Since the day we went to the hospital (11/18/07) until now, I've been amazed at the overwhelming comfort and peace I've felt talking to the doctors and nurses and seeing Lukas through various proceedures. Yes, I've had some very emotional moments and it's just part of being human, but my faith that Heavenly Father didn't do this to punish me or Kurt or Lukas for that matter brings me an overwhelming sense of peace. I've had a lot of people tell me how amazed they are at how strong I've been through these last 3 weeks. I'm not trying to be strong, because if it was left up to me, I'd be an emotional mess 24/7. I think that I'm just learning more to rely on Heavenly Father and maybe that's what I'm supposed to learn through all of this. It makes me think about him having to watch Jesus go through all of his many trials, last of which was the most agonizing thing none of us will ever fully understand. How did he make it through watching his son endure all of the hardships? I don't think I'll ever know, but I get to see glimpses of it every day. I get to see how much he loved his Only Begotten. I feel so helpless watching Lukas endure the heavy doses of chemicals pumped into his tiny body, the endless pokes and prods and choking down of various drugs. I would take his place in an instant, believe me, I've begged to, but he has to go through this himself. Why? I don't know, maybe I won't ever know, but it's just part of his life. It's not a curse for something he's done wrong. He's only 11 months (well, 12months really) old. He hasn't been able to do anything wrong. He's not capable of it. The way I see it is that, because Heavenly Father only gives us that which we can handle, he must think very highly of Lukas. Ever since Lukas' blessing, we've known he had great things in store for Lukas and now I'm starting to see that. But to go through this during this holiday season just really makes me think about his love for us more than I think I would going through this say in summer. I don't know, maybe I'd think just the same things then too...
Maybe part of it is the overwhelming support we've seen from family and friends, but more than that, from people we don't even know. People that have offered to pray for us, people that have sent gifts or money to a family the've never met, volunteers that come up to the hospital and bring gifts for all the kids, people that sacrifice to feed a whole floor of families dealing with various diseases... Maybe it wouldn't be any different in June as it is now. I just feel like there's more of an air of Heavenly things and more spiritual feelings flowing right now.
Heavenly Father has trusted me with one of his beloved angels. He's given Kurt and Theron and I guardianship of a much loved baby and that makes me feel so special. I feel trusted and loved to know that he trusts us enough to give us this sweet spirit, two sweet spirits really! We just thought we were lucky to have two mild mannered, sweet little boys, but little did we know just how lucky we were. Yes, cancer sucks, it really, really sucks. I hate having to go through this. I hate having to leave Theron with someone other than us because I can't take care of both him and Lukas like I used to. It just sucks, but Heavenly Father trusts me. He trusts Kurt. He's given us these two wonderful boys. Theron with his strength to endure being shuffled back and forth between hospital and family, all while still being a happy little angel and Lukas with the strength to endure cancer and all that comes with it and still able to smile and play. Maybe I am dealing with this pretty well, but I only think that is because I look at it from the perspective I think Heavenly Father would. I don't see it as a punishment for something I've done wrong, I don't see it as a curse and something unfair and is only happening to me. I see it as Heavenly Fathers full trust and faith in me and Kurt to be able to provide everything Lukas and Theron need in order to get through this. I see it as a sign that He knows us and knows our hearts and our intentions. No, niether of us are perfect. We mess up all the time, we make mistakes and don't do the right things sometimes, but we try and he knows that and that is what gives me the courage to go through this. I know that I'm not left on my own. He knows who I am and trusts me and so I know that I can do this.
